Monday, June 27, 2011



One of the first moves when beginning a relationship with any women is to find out and charter her menstrual cycle.  Then adhere to the rules:
1.     At the beginning of her cycle you can begin to gently state certain requests.
2.     A week into her cycle you can begin to initiate those certain requests.
3.     Just before and half way through her cycle (when the egg is about to be hatched or ovulation has occurred) you can demand those requests and expect them to be met.
4.     Just after the egg has died you have about a one-week window of demand requesting and being deliriously happy before you need to back off a bit noting her growing indifference to you and your needs.
5.     Two weeks before the end of her cycle it’s time to dust down your body armour and take the shit.  Your woman is now pre-menstrual, the egg is dead, she only works on seek and destroy mode.  It is time for you to NOT take for the hills.  She will find you and dismember you.  NOW, is the time to give in to ALL her demands.  They will be numerous; they will only make sense to her (and sometimes not even so).  The acquiescence she meets from you will annoy her but don’t rise to the fight.  Give in to the contradictions; they will be not worth dying over.  Try distractions (diamonds always work).
6.     From the beginning to the end of her period you must empathise with her pain, cramps, tiredness by getting your back waxed.  She will appreciate this show of solidarity.

Stock answers to guaranteed statements:
Her:  I feel so fat.
You:  Darling you are perfect; there is nothing I would change about you (careful here since she may strap you to a lie detector).
Her: Oh I look awful.
You:  You look tired today but still dazzlingly beautiful.
And finally:
Her:  I am in so much pain and discomfort.
You:  I’ll go and get my back waxed.

You can appreciate the fact that women who spend time together automatically regulate their cycles to coincide with each other for two very simple reasons:
The first:
We need to make sure that there is another woman within toilet distance who will have a tampon in her bag to borrow.
The second:
Women understand that men don’t multi-task well so as not to confuse you all the women in your life (mother, sisters, friends) will be at the same menstrual cycle (more or less).

Get any of the above wrong and you risk seriously injury.  Upset a woman at anytime other than during the ‘journey of the egg’ and you not only give rein to her anger but you unleash the wrath of every woman that has her ear. The very air that surrounds you will be loathed by all these women; your name will be spat out amongst death threats.  That’s a serious amount of bad energy aimed hard for you.

So it’s really very simple boys.  You’ve got the tools now so DON’T FUCK UP.

NB: I am currently pre-menstrual.

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