Monday, December 12, 2011



The Mushroom Syndrome:

You will call it by another name, one that suits you.  One that encapsulates the essence of a man’s essence.  Or perhaps, like me you will name it after the first realization what it was that binds you to a person who does not necessarily deserve or warrant such devotion.

One morning I left my lover to go home.  I could still smell him on my skin and taste him on my tongue.  I was ravenous for food and wanted something to match my rich and descendent night.  I cut up some potatoes and flung them in the deep fat fryer.  When searching for other such unhealthy items to cook in the fridge I saw 4 sad and half dried up mushrooms.  I threw them in.  A few minutes later I popped the lid off the deep fat flyer and a cloud of mushroom perfume flew at me.  ‘Oh my God’, I said aloud.  ‘This is it.  This is the ingredient he has.  This is what I cannot resist.’  Mushrooms? Interestingly I rate mushrooms highly (always have) next to garlic and asparagus (to be tackled under the heading Smell Part III).

I should put in a post-script to the above paragraph by writing that my Lover does not smell of mushrooms.  It is a faint subconscious scent that emits from his body that I was finally able to recognize when it presented itself so toxically and so obviously.  Now that I have this knowledge I know a lot more of whom I can be with.  I can kiss a man, I can get close to him but not until I have tasted him, do I know if he has the mushroom syndrome.  Quite rightly I could have met several keepers of the scent at various gatherings but until they are in a more intimate embrace with me can I know for sure.  The two ‘keepers of the fungi’ I met after this discovery smelt entirely different.  One doesn’t even have a smell or at least it’s so subtle I cannot place it but he has the mushroom syndrome.  The moment I tasted him my eyes rolled back in recognition and I knew I was lost to his power.

I did once try to work out how many men I have been with who had the mushroom syndrome and I could not be sure, but I do know they are not more than a handful.  Only one of these men was extraordinarily good-looking.  I do have a perchance for only dating breathtakingly handsome men (being Shallow, you understand) but the last three were not conventionally so.  The first is of mediocre appeal and 10 years younger than I.  The second?  A little above average, 18 years my junior but totally bald (shaved to be exact and you know how highly I regard soft curls).  The last is actually older than me (yes I know it’s a shocker), but he has the mushroom syndrome and frankly his smell is all I need to draw me to him.

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