Thursday, December 15, 2011

SMELL PART IV: A SHALLOW SISTER'S DATING WORKSHOP


A SHALLOW SISTER DATING WORKSHOP – SMELL  PART IV

Food:

There are certain foods to avoid when on a date, as you well know or should know. Garlic for one and raw onions especially. Certainly if he’s eating them with you then you may well get away without retching when you reach out for that all important first kiss.

But what about skin? Food permeates your skin and affects the way you smell. You are now about to hit a catch 22 situation and frankly being Shallow there is only one option and it isn’t the healthy one.

Garlic:
Upside: Great for bronchial disorders and staving off colds.
Downside: Your breath can lay waste cities. Your skin can smell like a cat died on you. Takes not less than 72 hours to work its way out of your system. So if you are one of those health junkies that take several raw cloves of garlic a day with your muesli then I suggest you never date.

Onions:
Upside: Lowers cholesterol.
Downside: Eaten Raw it renders your tongue unusable other than slurring. It has the ability to keep animals at a distance and let’s face it girls, most men are such and you are reading this to lure not repulse.

Durian:
For those that have never heard of this noxious fruit, my advice is keep well clear. It’s from the Far East and is an acquired taste or rather for those that have none. It also helps if you suffer from blocked nasal passages. Even in it’s enclosed state it reeks. The absolute dread of life is to be caught in a traffic jam behind a Durian truck when your air-con system is down and you can’t do a ‘lock-down’ in the car.  Once cut, the Durian can be located via only one functioning nostril 20 meters away. There are hotels in the Far East where it is specifically forbidden to bring a Durian onto the premises (prostitutes - fine, rent boys – no problem, drugs – tolerated; but not the Durian). Its permeating abilities do not cease when it has been consumed. Oh No, it finds it way out through your skin and if you eat enough of it you might find a skunk trying to mount you.

Alcohol:
Mmmmm. The hardest of the list to give up. If you are an alcoholic or binge drink then it will sweat out of our pores and frankly nothing is worse than a body that’s been pickled. If you really need to mummify yourself, may I suggest frankincense?

Asparagus:
Yes I know you’ve done a double take on this one. There are few foods that are seriously sexy to feed to your lover publicly. Oysters and Asparagus. The yin and yang of the sexes. Asparagus has to be avoided at all costs. It changes your sexual secretions. Do you really want your date to be put off from performing oral sex on you? Not only that, if he’s eaten asparagus he won’t taste too great either.

Stick to a mostly vegetable and fruit diet with whole grains keeping high fat produce like milk, cheese, cream and yoghurt to a minimum and you should taste good enough to eat.

And if you want to use scent in food form to turn a man wild. Cinnamon will have him leaping over to devour you. So offer him cinnamon Danish between the sheets of course.
And if, by chance, a man is educating himself by reading this, Licorice drives women nuts. So ditch the alcohol and hand her a hot cup of licorice tea and you’ll have her horizontal in no time.




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