Monday, October 22, 2012

THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH : A SHALLOW SISTER'S GUIDE



A SHALLOW SISTER’S GUIDE TO THE FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH

Genetics aside there is a lot you can do to stop time and indeed turn it back.  Ideally it’s always best to find the devil and make a pack with him. He’s elusive? Get yourself a Dorian Grey portrait painted of you.  Failing that, there is surgery and botox but that depends on whether you want to have that stretched over canvas kind of look.

My method (while waiting for the devil to show) is the use of affordable resources and good planning.

In case you were wondering I look better than I did 15 years ago.  Hence the fact I am giving you tips that people usually pay good money for.  I am asked what my secret is.  The list is below.

1.              Stop smoking before you hit 38.
2.              Rid yourself of guilt, remorse and don’t self-flagellate.
3.              Rehydrate when drinking alcohol.
4.              Drink a lot of clean water throughout the day.
5.              Smile a lot.
6.              Laugh a lot.
7.              Convince yourself you are happy when you are not.
8.              Avoid jealousy.
9.              Wear colours that lift your mood.
10.          Protect your face when sunbathing.
11.          Eat a balanced diet.
12.          Get enough sleep.
13.          Exercise.
14.          Add weight as you age.
15.          Stop caring what others think of you.

And now the drugs:

1.  Vitamin E capsules (400 mg a day) (rejuvenates skin from the inside out)
2.   Multi Vitamin (lack of a vitamin or mineral can age you.
3.   Zinc (good for hair growth)
4.   Vitamin B12 shots great for vitality.
5.   Any face cream with retonix A (use day and night).
6.   Frankincense oil.  It’s used in embalming.
7.   Always swallow when giving oral sex.
8.   If you must wear foundation make sure it allows your skin to breathe.
9.   Go regularly to the hairdresser (no excuse for bad hair)
10. Keep your teeth white.
11. Orgasm on a regular basis (recommended at least daily).
 12.  Fall in love (note this is a drug because love releases natural drugs within your body.

And when everything falls to pot (because there will come a time) you need to be prepared and if you don’t wish to go kicking and screaming to the crochet class then put some cash aside or date a plastic surgeon.

Me?

I’m planning on dancing with the devil.  I’ve heard he knows how to show a lady a goodtime.




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