POSSESSION – A SHALLOW SISTER’S DATING WORKSHOP (dedicated to an Inner Circle Member (and close friend) who has just embarked upon a slippery slope).
You are dating. Do you now own him? You certainly do not. He has not become your possession. Will he ever? When you marry him? NO! NEVER!
The sure way to end love is to kill freedom. Ask yourself why it is you are so insecure that you need to look through his possessions? Ask yourself why you think it is normal and rational to invade every corner of his life?
How many of you know your BF’s or husband’s passwords? I hope the only password you know is the pin number of his credit card. Other than that you have no reason to know any, and marriage certainly doesn’t give you the right to.
Has he proven to be untrustworthy? Slipped from the path of faithfulness? Either forgive and move on or accept and move on, but don’t go trawling though his life looking for something that you’ll either never find or wish you hadn’t found.
Are you fearful he will find someone better than you? Of course he bloody will. Anyone is better than a possessive, insecure, obsessed partner!
If any small part of the above rings true for you then you are on your way down the slide to insanity. You will begin to make tracking him your life’s work. When he is not with you, you will fester on what he is up to. Possession turns to obsession. You will find yourself in a net, that wherever you turn, you cannot escape. You can’t go back and pretend you did not ask a thousand questions. You can’t retract the accusations lobbed at him. You can’t salvage the dignity you should have clung on to. Thus you will continue to work on possession. You will possess all his passwords and pin numbers. You will possess access to his bank accounts; his business calendar, his emails, his telephone, his friends. But that won’t be enough because deep down you know you possess nothing. You cannot know what he is thinking. What he is dreaming. What fantasies live inside of him? These you cannot possess – ever. It will tear you apart. You will wonder who he sees when he touches you. Who he imagines he is taking possession of when he is inside you.
The more you grapple with the possession of his soul the more he will distance himself from you. Secrecy will become his mode of operandi and he will lie to avoid feeding your imagined wrongs. He will hide innocent encounters to evade your scrutiny and he will deflect, any way he can, to keep you from raping his soul.
What is the answer?
It depends on where you are on the slope to insanity. If you are fairly near the top there is hope for you. Let go. Release. Work on allowing the man you love freedom. Trust, and if you can’t, then let go of fear. Allow him to choose to be with others, if that is what he needs. Trust he loves you enough not to leave you. He won’t if you give him space to breathe. If you are half way down the slope, only therapy can help you, and a forgiving partner. Love may well be lost, but with work from you and a forgiving heart from him, you may well patch things up sufficiently. Any further down the slope and I’d suggest you walk away, to save yourself, as much as him.
How do you know where you are on that slope? Timeline might be a good indication. How long have you been stalking his soul? Anything beyond a year and I’d say you are about to hit the cesspit.
Love cannot not thrive in an atmosphere of suspicion and when love is gone then there is no point to the union. Either, you need to stop being in denial, that what you do is normal behaviour, or you need to exorcize yourself from his life and thus free the demon of neediness that you have been feeding.