Tuesday, January 21, 2014



I’m not writing here of secrets we harbour about ourselves; or the ones we guard for others. I am talking about ‘being a secret’.

I appear to be everyone’s secret.

Am I really so dangerous?
Many see me as thus.

I know I ooze sensuality, which is in itself a weapon. I do wield it; and am I wrong to utilize what I was born with? Sensuality is not something you can learn and it is not something you can hide. It is just there.  Heads turn when they smell it and it has nothing to do with beauty. There is an esoteric lure to it. It is the intangible, the unexplained.

I cannot change it. But I can suppress it. But I choose not to.
When you are attached in a relationship it looses some of its aura. It does not mean it has gone on holiday, it means you carry a chastity belt in the form of a partner.

When I become single again I am catapulted back into being a weapon of mass destruction. Friends become uncomfortable when I am in their husband’s presence whereas previously there was no unease.

New friends (in couples) do not invite me to their dinner parties. I am a leper of lust. Dare you touch me and I will infect you with the disease of wanton desire. So it is believed.

Male friends hide me from their lovers, least jealousy ensue. As if we are secret lovers I cannot call or text at the weekend or the evenings.

Ex lovers ask me not to tell their new girlfriends we have a past.

Even those exes who married others keep me as a secret. They meet me in secret, email me in secret, text me in secret, call me in secret and yet, nothing but friendship ever takes place and that friendship must remain a secret.

One ex of 20 years past meets me by lying to a wife he adores. Even now I am still dangerous but only to her.

Why don’t these men give me up? I know I wouldn’t!

Sensuality is a curse of a kind.

My lawyer (and friend) recently told me not to call in the evening least his wife misunderstand. Does she know me? Have I met her? No. Does he fear my lure through a telephone link? Or does he fear she will sense his reaction to my voice?

I only know I am everyone’s secret.
And the reason why is mostly a secret to me.


  1. An ex I have not seen for over 10 years came to Istanbul recently. "Great" I said, let's meet for a coffee.
    "I'm married now" she said, "it wouldn't be appropriate."
    "A coffee, in a public place, in daytime, with a table between us isn't appropriate?"
    "My husband wouldn't like it."

    Does that say more about me, her, her husband, or their 8 year old marriage?

  2. Damn it's the culture. Men and women cannot be friends. Lack of trust. Belief that you can still lure her away. That she is easily manipulated. Says more about the husband's insecurity and how he views his wife and her inability to resist and understand temptation.


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