A SHALLOW SISTER’S DATING WORKSHOP – IS HE A SEX ADDICT OR JUST A CHEAT?
‘Just a cheat’, makes it sounds more preferable to a sex addict. Both suck (so to speak). Both are quite similar and so it is hard to differentiate between them. Plus there are degrees thereof. Your man may not fit all bullet points but he may well be one or the other. However, do not be confused with someone who has a high sex drive. He could just like having sex a lot!
Before getting serious with him find out about his history. If he’s cheated before, he will cheat on you. However, he could lie about his past, in which case you might find yourself heavily embroiled with one and are now asking this question.
Let us begin with the Cheater:
We presume he’s not an all out sociopath or narcissist - just your honest to goodness cheating arsehole. You will ask yourself the following questions:
Am I not enough for him?
Ans: No one is ever enough.
Why does he cheat?
Ans: Because he can.
-He is often insecure (not about sex, but about his value outside of sex).
-You are probably a strong, competent woman (which is why he loves you), but who daily disempowers him. Having sex with others gives him momentary power. He might even enjoy this form of secret one-up-manship on you!
-The cheater is self-indulgent. He’s a hedonist. He’s manipulative and an opportunist. -It’s a game for him more than a desperate need.
- It’s a challenge to see if he can get away with it. Cheaters need variety in their life - the thrill of another conquest. The complexities of lies he has to come up with, the risk of discovery, the euphoria of getting away with it is what drives him and not necessarily about dipping his wick.
-He gravitates towards women who adore him. Adores to be adored.
-He’s often a public flirt (not always as he may have perfected the act of hiding this from you). He thinks if he flirts in front of you, you will assume he has nothing more to hide.
If you found yourself a full on narcissist then you are in more trouble than you thought. He’s just going to be banging whatever opportunity comes his way. He is a liar. He can swing separate lives. He has only self-interest.
If you got yourself a sociopath then you are in serious trouble (and I mean serious). He has made a study of people and behaviour. He can fake everything (except an orgasm probably), concern, empathy, guilt, remorse, belief. He feels nothing: not your pain, not your fear. He can watch you cry and he can mimic all the right expressions and words until you forgive him. He is an actor.
Cheaters are often jealous. Listen to what they accuse you of (even in a joke). They are projecting whatever they are up to, i.e. ‘who were you having sex with last night when you didn’t answer my call LOL?’
Meaning: ‘I sometimes don’t answer you because I’m banging someone’.
They always want more of everything: love, desire, admiration. What you can give them is not enough.
They are often emotionally dependent upon you, which gives you the false impression that they would never cheat because they need you. But they are filled with self-doubt so they seek admiration and desire from others.
Can he stop? Yes, if he decides to and probably out of self-interest rather than you banging on about this destructive behaviour.
Now for the very complex and multi-facetted sex addict:
-He is in denial. I know it’s hard to imagine that he can deny to himself that he has his dick in another woman and is not being unfaithful. But the psychologists tell me this is the case. He does know he’s having sex with someone but in some incredibly complex (and I don’t understand) way he is not a cheater per se. It is a compulsion he has to act upon (much like the need to pee, eat, admire cars).
- It’s likely he has other sexual addictions - Internet sex, sexting, porn.
- It’s likely he has other addictions- smoking, drugs, drink.
- Sex is a drug. He needs it to sate himself. He cannot control his urge.
(Incase you are wondering if sex is his motivation, the answer is scarier: He needs constant affirmation he is desired and wanted. He has a deep-seated hunger for validation).
- He flirts continually. He sees women only in a sexual way. He sizes them up sexually before deciding which compartment he would put them in. He thinks about sex a lot, innuendoes trip off his well-used tongue.
-He is not completely in touch with consequences and therefore does not see the destruction of his sexual acts.
- His behaviour can escalate and often does. He can puts sex before everything else: you, family, work, the law.
- Sex is used to deal with other stressful situations. When anything becomes too burdensome, sex becomes the answer.
Can he be tamed?
Apparently, yes: Anti-depressant drugs are often used to stem urges.
In my research of the above there were moments I had to question my own behaviour. This then brought me to the realization that to catagorise everyone so neatly into this package is unfair on each individual. We need to take into account other aspects of an individual (where they are from, their culture, their astrological sign, their Chinese animal sign, parents, history etc.)
Or am I in denial?